As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize something: the Man Upstairs definitely has a sense of humor.

I mean, why else would He make a man lose the hair on top of his head while simultaneously increasing the amount of hair growing everywhere else?

Seriously, what the hell is going on?

When I was younger, I had a decent head of hair. I never really had to think much about it. Wash it, comb it, maybe put a little something in it, and off you go.

Now?

Well, let’s just say the hair situation has become a little confusing.

The hair on top of my head is slowly disappearing like it owes somebody money, but apparently the hair follicles everywhere else have decided they are going to work overtime.

Take my ears, for example.

I have enough hair growing out of my ears that I’m starting to look like I should be living in a cave somewhere. And my nose? If I let those nose hairs grow, I’d probably qualify for membership in the Walrus Club.

And then there are the eyebrows.

I used to have two separate eyebrows.

Now they’ve decided to merge.

Apparently, they have decided that being two eyebrows is just too much work, so they are forming one giant eyebrow right across my forehead.

Then there’s the hair on my knuckles.

Why?

Who decided that men need hair on their knuckles?

And my toes aren’t getting left out either. I’ve got hair growing on places I never even knew could grow hair.

I’m beginning to think my body is trying to turn me into a human chia pet.

Now, I always thought getting older was supposed to make life easier. You work your whole life, raise your kids, pay your bills, and eventually things are supposed to slow down.

Nobody ever mentioned that I would spend more time grooming myself at 62 than I did when I was 22.

When I was younger, I could get up in the morning, shit, shower and shave, and be ready to go in just a few minutes.

Now?

Hell, I’m looking at a half-hour minimum.

And most of that time isn’t even spent shaving my face anymore.

It’s trimming everything else!

I go to the barber now and they ask me, “Would you like us to trim your eyebrows and your ears?”

My eyebrows and ears?!

Since when did that become part of getting a haircut?

I’m sitting there thinking, Lady, I came in here because I have no damn hair on top of my head! Why are we spending half the appointment trimming everything except my actual hair?

At this point, I think my barber spends more time maintaining the forest around my ears than the lawn on top of my head.

And don’t even get me started on what I still call a barbershop.

Apparently, I’m supposed to call it a hair salon now.

A hair salon?

I don’t need a damn hair salon.

I need a barber!

But that’s a rant for another day.

Then there’s what happens between trips to the barber.

I find myself spending more and more time in the bathroom trimming things that, quite frankly, I never had to worry about when I was younger.

By the time I’m done, the bathroom sink looks like Sasquatch just shaved in it.

There’s hair everywhere.

On the sink.

On the counter.

On my shirt.

Probably halfway down the hallway.

And I’m standing there looking at all of it thinking, Where the hell did all this come from?

I swear, if I collected all the hair I trim off myself in a year, I could probably build another Grandpa.

Maybe that’s the real secret to getting old.

You don’t actually get shorter.

You just lose hair from the top and grow enough everywhere else to compensate.

So now I’m curious.

Ladies, do you have the same problem as you get older? If so, how the heck do you deal with it?

And gentlemen, I know I’m not the only one fighting this battle.

How are you dealing with the ears, the nose, the eyebrows, the knuckles, the toes and all the other places that suddenly decided they needed a lawn?

Because I’m starting to think this isn’t aging.

This is nature playing a practical joke on us.

And apparently, Grandpa is the punchline.

That’s enough outta me for now. But don’t worry — I’ve got plenty more to say next time.
– Grandpa (Professional Ranter and Amateur Philosopher)